


I Caught Fire

by Nixiie



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Character Study, Comfort, Ficlet, M/M, Mentions of Canon Sexual Violence, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24111382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nixiie/pseuds/Nixiie
Summary: "The second time they kiss is nothing like the first."For Eiji, it's the first real kiss of his life.For Ash, it's the first kiss that isn't violence, or a lie.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 16
Kudos: 160





	I Caught Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, i completely didn't mean to write this, but i've been watching Banana Fish, and fell asleep thinking about the angles these two opposite boys would bring to their vulnerability, and how similar they are in their inexperience of love. So here's a very soft, unedited thing.

The second time they kiss is nothing like the first. 

The first was like every other kiss Ash has had in his life. All utility, no emotion. A kiss is the means to an end, a distraction, a seduction. When it’s something he initiates it’s another tool in his arsenal of control. When it’s something done to him it’s the precursor to an assault. Ash does not kiss to enjoy it. 

It’s the same with sex. You might go so far to say Ash has never had sex. In the nearly 10 years since he came to new york he’s known countless men. Countless rapes. Sex is just another vector for violence. He knows there must be more to it than that, otherwise only sick freaks would want it, but he’s never seen it. 

Eiji has also never had sex. He’s never even kissed anyone beside Ash, and he knows what that was. Just a way to pass a message. It’s not how first kisses are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be sweet, or passionate, or anything but calculated and utilitarian. 

But that hadn’t stopped his heart pounding in his throat, as Ash’s tongue slipped the capsule into his mouth, hadn’t stopped the panic and compassion rising in his chest at the precise movement of Ash’s lips on his.

It doesn’t matter that he knows it was all an act, and that he hates seeing that side of Ash. The perfectly controlled facade he puts up to protect himself. It doesn’t matter that that wasn’t really Ash kissing him, it was a tactician employing a necessary strategy. Eiji hadn't been able to catch his breath after, and he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it since. 

Because he wants to know what it’s like to really kiss Ash. The real Ash. The Ash who can’t sleep for the nightmares, who hates pumpkins, and complains about his doctoring. Not the hacker, or the killer, or the gang boss. Eiji wants to kiss the boy underneath. The scared seventeen-year-old just barely holding the underworld together with clawing fingers. The Ash that no one but him ever sees, and he’s pretty sure even he isn’t meant to.

But he’ll never do it, because he knows what sex means to Ash. It’s something people want from him, something people take. And Eiji will never take anything from Ash, he doesn’t want to take. Only to give. He wants to give Ash everything. Because Ash has had everything taken from him. Every kindness has come with the expectation of repayment, complicated machinations that make Eiji’s head spin. Everybody wants something from Ash, to use him, and take from him, and Eiji cannot be that. 

So when Ash wakes up screaming from nightmares Eiji does his best to comfort him at a distance, and when it’s quiet in the space between storms he cooks for him, and jokes with him, and tries his best to show Ash a little bit of normal. It’s all he can do. 

But every time he sees Ash smile his heart leaps, and every time they hug he feels that fierce protectiveness rising up in him, and he wants to consume Ash, wrap him up in himself and hold him, and keep him safe from everything. Take him away from all this, somewhere they can be safe, somewhere they can be alone, and he can make him smile, and kiss him, and no one has to die. 

It’s a fantasy.

So he’s not sure how he ends up kissing Ash a second time. He’s not sure which of them starts it, because he knows he can’t, and Ash wouldn’t. But his mouth is so hot, and his lips are soft, so incredibly cautious, hands shaking against Eiji’s back, body pressed close against him, and it’s like fireworks are going off in Eiji’s mind, and his heart is racing like he’s just finished a sprint, bottom of his stomach dropping out like he’s pole vaulting, flying through the air and just beginning to fall, and he doesn’t even care if there’s a mat to land on this time because for Ash he would happily face the concrete.

For Ash, he’d do anything.

Kissing Eiji for the second time feels nothing like any other kiss Ash has had in his life. It’s not a game, or a battleground, or an ambush. It’s breaking open a locked door and letting himself go free. Stepping terrified into the sunlight, and trusting that Eiji will be there to catch him if he stumbles. His head keeps trying to shut down, flit away and let his body take over, go through the steps of this dance he’s long since memorized, giving pleasure and feeling nothing, but he forces himself to stay present. He wants to remember this. He wants to feel this. He wants to kiss Eiji with more than his mouth, more than his well trained body. 

He wants to show Eiji his soul. 

Because Eiji has given him everything, and never asked for anything in return, has saved his life without even knowing him, has stood by him no matter how fucked up and dangerous the situation became, no matter how much better and easier it would be for him to just return to Japan. Eiji has cared for him with no reason beyond his own goodness, and Ash trusts him. He trusts him like he hasn’t trusted anyone since he was a child. 

And he wants to give him the world. 

He doesn’t care that Eiji is his weakness, that he’s terrified of losing him, that he might die tomorrow because of this connection. Because Eiji is worth it. He’s worth everything. 

So Ash kisses him with everything he is, all of the love, and fear, and trampled on kindness in his heart, all of the learned viciousness, and hurt, and hope that hold him together. He opens himself up to Eiji, and finds only warmth where there has always been violence. Because there’s no violence in Eiji, only caring, only comfort.

It’s slow and cautious, shaking bodies, and panicked pulse rates as their lips press together, as their mouths open, and their hands pull each other close, tangling in dirty hair, cupping the hard angles of too thin bodies, muscles tight with the relentless danger of their shared lives. 

Eiji sighs into Ash’s mouth, eyes flickering shut, and usually Ash would see that as a victory, a conceit to his power, but this isn’t a battle, and instead he likes it in a very different way. He likes that he can give this to Eiji, he wants to make him happy, make sigh with pleasure, give him everything. He loves that he can make Eiji feel good.

Eiji feels like he’s burning, body ignited with a slippery, heart-sick cocktail of desire, and caring, and protectiveness, and elation. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but it doesn’t matter because this is good. This is so good. This is the real Ash relaxing into him, hands stroking down his back, chest shuddering in the circle of his arms. This is the boy Eiji loves pressed close to his chest, mouth on his mouth, and nothing matters beyond that. 

It lasts forever, and no time at all. Two boys with nothing and everything in common, opposite histories and a shared war, getting lost in the sweetness of each other’s mouths, the comfort of each other’s bodies, forgetting fear, forgetting danger, forgetting everything but the safety of trust. Forgetting everything but each other. Letting themselves be free in the unspoken, overwhelming feeling swelling inside them. Letting themselves love.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So i was listening to The Used the other day and thought [Sound Effects and Overdramatics](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsbnueiPYk0) is the perfect song for a Banana Fish fic, but this ended up being much softer and less angsty than a wholeass fic about these boys would, so instead you get [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLoOx86A6bE) much sweeter song from the same album, which will probably always be the soundtrack to falling in love in my head.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! I've never written for this fandom before and don't know if anyone's out here, but if you enjoyed this work, i'd love to hear from you; kudos and comments make my day 🖤
> 
> Ahhhhh! ChesGrinner made [fanart for this work](https://twitter.com/ChesGrinner/status/1261665492177215488), with their absolutely adorable chibis!


End file.
